Conflict Resolution Close To Home
Win/Win Solutions Found Through Respectful, Straightforward Dialogue
The Principles of Mediation
The activity of mediation has an ancient history and some defining characteristics in practice today:
- both parties agree to participate voluntarily, in good faith
- the role of the mediator is neutral, with the sole purpose of facilitating a brief, straightforward dialogue to resolve the matter
- any resolution that is reached will be perceived by each of the parties to be fair to them both
- and all aspects of the mediation process are always kept completely confidential
The Role of the Mediator As A Neutral Facilitator
The mediator will make no decisions and is there simply to assist the parties to enter into a brief, straightforward dialogue to try to identify exactly what each believes to be at issue and helps the parties to recognize whatever shared interests they may have. Almost inevitably, this leads to the proposal of creative ideas for settling the matter in a way that is satisfactory to them both.
While some mediators are also attorneys, it is common practice for mediators to advise both parties to submit any settlement agreement they may reach to their attorneys for their review.
Conflict Resolution Can Have An Early Start At Home
In her New York Times article, “Class Learns to Cope With Conflict,” (December1, 1989) journalist Patricia Squires interviewed Naomi Drew in her kindergarten and first grade class at the Cambridge School. Mrs. Drew was teaching the children “The Skills of Peacemaking,” based on the curriculum of the same title, which she first developed and published in 1987. At one point, a small scuffle took place, and Mrs. Drew gently asked the children involved to say what they thought the problem was, and how they felt about it.
“The other children listened in silence as the girl said to the boy, 'I'm upset because you pushed me in the back' and he replied, 'I'm sorry - I didn't do it on purpose.'"
When Mrs. Drew asked how this could have been avoided, the little boy considered the situation for a moment before he answered.
"'The room is small and crowded, so I have to walk slow.' The little girl then nodded in agreement." (Squires, Patricia. "Class Learns to Cope With Conflict." NY Times. December 1, 1989.)
The matter was thereby settled, and it was an excellent illustration of the lessons developed in Mrs. Drew's approach to conflict resolution, that will no doubt serve these young people well in the years to come.
In the process of mediation in an adult world -- whether the issues at stake will involve trading partners, colleagues in the workplace, family members or neighbors -- a premium is placed on restoring and enhancing interdependent relationships between the parties as a targeted outcome, and the success of this approach to resolve disputes has been extremely impressive recently, here in the U.S. In Chapter 2 of his book, Business Law, Henry R. Cheeseman notes a trend that is statistically significant: "Approximately 90% of all lawsuits settle before going to trial."
The Massachusetts Chapter of the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts has produced a brochure, "Planning for Shared Parenting: A Guide for Parents Living Apart," which is available online, providing planning tools for each age group -- from infants up through college age children -- as a useful resource.
In one of the most difficult situations to negotiate -- the custody of children in separation and divorce -- the use of mediation can be of considerable value in maintaining a civil relationship between the parents as the children do their best to try to adjust to unsettling changes.
Sources and suggestions for additional reading:
Squires, Patricia. "Class Learns to Cope With Conflict." NY Times. December 1, 1989
Drew, Naomi. Learning the Skills of Peacemaking: A K-6 Activity Guide to Resolving Conflicts, Communicating, & Cooperating. Jalmar Press, 1995.
Cheeseman, Henry R. Business Law: Legal, E-Commerce, Ethical, and International Environments Prentice Hall, 2004.
Massachusetts Chapter of the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts. Planning for Shared Parenting: A Guide for Parents Living Apart
Phillips,Barbara Ashley. Finding Common Ground, A Field Guide to Mediation, 1994; and The Mediation Field Guide. Jossey-Bass, 2001.
